How far can you go hearts?

Hearts..

I was just falling asleep with some thoughts in minds for couple days.. Many reflexions in my head. 
I really can not believe the world is getting older. stranger, fragile and cruel. Sure it is.. but sometime it is so scary and do not know how to handle all this.

And i do pray that i can keep my heart pure, clean and sincere for everyone, everbody. I know it is a hard work as my hearts is so fragile. 

What i experience is something so shocking for me. Even though i have the same experience couple times. But still it hurts my heart. I really do not want to understand that friendship can be replaced by money and bussines.

I have a best friend since senior high school. She's now one of the most popular and successful bussines woman on this city. She can buy a billion house at the best place. And i was so proud to be her friend. Though some persons doubt her ability but i always emphasize and clarify that she works very hard, i could say workaholic.

But these feeling was gone in one moment. My better half has warned me before that i must differentiate which one is real friend and which one is fake friend. I tried to denied it as i was still sure she is really kind to me and a best friend for me.

And at that moment i kind of surprised that she really cross the line between friendship and getting money from me. Cant imagine how sad i was, one friend that i stand up and so proud of her.

I have another story.. 

My girl friend was asking me whether i have a good connection to one or two vendor. and i have informed her just because i want to help. Then later on she insisted to give me some money because i gave that information. I rejected it as i sincerely just want to give some information that i know. It is non sense to keep that simple information. She said it is impossible to keep the money because of my information. Everybody should be happy.

Hearts.. compare to money..

So irritating.. 

Then now we must tag a price for a help. for a visit, for a sincere info.. Just count everything with amount of money. Then it will be more valuable than friendship itself.

Sometimes it makes me feel sick with these. And sometimes i wish i could escape and living in a peace and sincere life and building my fairytale with the one i love.

I always warn him to have sincere heart to help others, to help families the best we can do without asking any return. I wish if we keep this heart alive, we can keep living a beautiful life.

The question now, shall i follow the way they do? Or keep the heart clean with all the risk to get the unfair condition?

As the bible said : 

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life”
(Proverbs 4:23, NIV).



 

You are the rason why (2)

Semarang 17 June 2013

Being an independent woman since i was senior high school. Tried to get some money by selling anything i can sell to my friends. I remembered i sell fake 'branded' parfume and fortunately i could sell a lot of bottles!
I guess CK should hire me to be their sales manager.. LOL
On the other day, my best friend would create bracelet made of cable and i could sell it a lot also *before i have some competitors who sell lower than my price* . So i didn't need to ask my parents' money just to buy some clothes, girl's things. I guess i was born to be a sales.

Back to the topic...
I used to be a very sweet lady who had a simple dream, A HOME!
It consists of a handsome husband , a son/ daughter, a small house, a good job.

At the time i meet 'him' these dream seemed could become reality soonest. This handsome guy seemed like me, and me? don't ask.  He's a perfect guy with 189 cm tall, Indonesian handsome good looking, good job, good personality.

But it was only the appearance.. As the prophet said : you'd never know the deepest heart! Only God knows it.

The simple dream faded away, turned into tears. I could say at some hardest moment, my dream was break into pieces. If only i could stick it together, i still can see the cracking.

I never think that marriage was become a revenge idea from him to me.Without knowing what my false was.. He revenge to me because He was the one who should paid the whole events (not all actually..)
Revenge.. because i can gain so much money than him
Revenge.. because his mother left him while he was a kid   

And it become worst after i lost my first kid in a deep sorrow. I struggled alone at the bed of the hospital without the one i call husband or later my kid call father. I was crying so out loud with 2 nurses holding my hands during the 'lost' period. Nothing i can change. It was written.  Where was he? I let God keep the answer. At first the dream was made, i just wish a strong hand will hold me during a bad and good times.

Later i know why God take back the little one in my womb.. It is better this way. I never know what will happen in the future. Though i can see it now.

No one will understand this feeling, even until now.. Some will cry together with me, but they still don't know.

Where is the guy i wish to lead me to a family? Where is the guy who has good reputation outside.

He's gone.. together with all my dreams..

Continued

It's not easy

Semarang, 7 May 2013

I come back... Hell yeah.. I can write down this blog because i am sick today and push me to stay at home (course with some job in front of me, sigh..)

I dont want to believe that somebody read this stupid blog.. But i thank you for it. And i am surprise that someone read this blog just to know who I am and what kind of person I am. Lets think this as a priviledge for me.

I stay at home, at my bed, after couple months lack of sleep, tough job, tiring days. This is really a good time for me to have a rest. Body and mind. And sure i dont want to waste this time.

While laying at my favourite bed, i am listening to Five for Fighting, the soundtrack for Superman edition. The lyrics really stab directly to my heart.

- I can't stand to fly..I am not that naive.. I'm just out to find the better part of me. I am more than a bird, I am more than a plane...
It may sound absurd but don't be naive. Every heroes has the right to bleed. I may be disturbed, but wont you concede. Even heroes has the right to dream. It's not easy to be me.

Being single, back bone of a family, while dealing with fragile heart. Some friends will not believe if i said i am fragile. You will not see it on me. I am trying my best to be the strongest i can be. Dealing with all mater alone.. Yes alone.. What man can do, i can do the same. Just tell me..

But sometimes.. Yes sometimes.. I am tired of it.. Tired of all it. I just want someone i can lean my head on. Without worrying about tommorow, worrying about anything. Even heroes has the right to bleed, right?

I have a best boyfriend. He is the pillar of the family (as his wife pushes his to be). His wife will get anything she wants. A house (i just wish a home actually), a nice car, a head of a family, someone beside her anytime, perhaps a shoulder to cry on. And i really envy her. With all the way to tolerate with, i am still alone. I wish i can be that woman with all the minus and plus in it. But i know i can't be!

My pastor said, a woman/ wife officially should be a wife, a secretary, a mom, a chief, and a hooker (i guarantee i can do it all, although i refuse to do it)

But what we need? Yes we are crazy about authentic Hermes birkin, Louboutin shoes, Chanel bags or YSL make ups.And wishing our guy will buy it for us. But i guess above all, a woman merely  needs a hug from a man he loves, a place to share something with (not mention we should spend 25,000 words in a day), a shoulder to cry on, a hand to cross the street.
Like Bryan Adams said (some guys complain to me, as it is immposible and make no sense to fulfill) :
" Hear every thoughts, see every dreams, bring her wings whenever she wants to fly. Tell us that we are the one."

Gosh it is really a hectic day for me. I wish to sleep soundly and have no disturber. And start to dream.

"Even heroes has the right to dream, It is not easy to be me"

Empire State of Mind - my version

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UjsXo9l6I8

Empire State of  my Mind

" In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of. There's nothing you can't do. Lets hear in New York.
This street will make you feel brand new. Big lights will inspire you."

I really love this song. Not because i like "Sex and the City" movie.
A story of 5 woman in a very famous city on earth New York. Where they live from nobody to anybody including each conflicts follow them

it is not because i am so much inspired by Carry Bradshaw. 
A super talented woman in this movie who make all the woman in this earth envy of her perfect life.
Her thoughts inspires woman to be strong, girls power. Her smart way to create a new glamorous fashion 
who make a lot of woman follow her style.
Not also the love story she has with super romantic and gentlement Mr. Big.

But it is because of New York city itself. A city who never sleeps.
I can not explain further as i have never been there before. But why i like this song is because i am playing with my faith. One day i will go to New York City, the smallest thing is just become a tourist, the biggest drem is to have a business there. Let me cross my fingers! 

Why i choose New York City, honestly it is because i saw movies alot. It creates a mind how glamorous this city is. And it seems like a centre point or a symbol of success. Like the song said, this city offers you marvelous life. Seems you will not get bored there as long as you keep moving. I don't know, i wish it is correct.

Let me say again, i am playing with my faith that one day i will go there, sooner or later. 

So I'll see you there New York City. Bring me to the top of every biggest dream!    
 
 

Jesus, John the Baptist and Herod in my eyes (part 2)

Jesus, John the Baptist and Herod according to me...

I just imagine John the Baptist face, i guess his last face was in hurt, agony, sad, disappointed, so deeply hurt for something unfair. He should not be died in the way like that after all He did.
He made alot of perople repented and back to God and being baptized. He is innocent, he is kind. 

I remembered the last time i saw my father face after he passed away, after some doctors gave the last help for his heart to try to save his life. I can see the agony on his face. Then i whispered into his ear, no more pain papi. no more ill. Only God's face and His everlasting smile.

What is so disturbing me is the reaction after it.
After John the baptist passed away, John's diciples take the body and buried it and inform his death to Jesus.

I can imagine what Jesus feels. He must be so sad, knowing His friend, His 'one vision' friend, died in such ironic way. I can feel it it happens to me, seeing my best friend died without anything i can do, just because it is written! It hurts me so much. It is written, Jesus just silence. 
Silence means a lot of things, a lot of feelings. I am trying to figure out what does silence mean. it could be so deeply sad feeling. I guess Jesus will said like me : it is unfair. Life is unfair. I also don't like to see someone being treated unfairly. Somehow i want to be a hero for anybody, just like batman. So i guess an unfair game happen anywhere, anytime and anybody.

What Jesus did, keep silence, go away and keep moving. I guess He will said to us. Keep silence, the best is yet to come.

- Life without regrets, apologize when you are wrong. Stop complaining when things aren't fair.

Mark 6 
bangkit lagi." 6:17 Sebab memang Herodeslah yang menyuruh orang menangkap Yohanes dan membelenggunya di penjara ^{1  i}  berhubung dengan peristiwa Herodias, isteri Filipus saudaranya, karena Herodes telah mengambilnya sebagai isteri. 6:18 Karena Yohanes pernah menegor Herodes: "Tidak halal engkau mengambil isteri ^j  saudaramu!" 6:19 Karena itu Herodias menaruh dendam pada Yohanes dan bermaksud untuk membunuh dia, tetapi tidak dapat, 6:20 sebab Herodes segan akan Yohanes karena ia tahu, bahwa Yohanes adalah orang ^k  yang benar dan suci, jadi ia melindunginya. Tetapi apabila ia mendengarkan Yohanes, hatinya selalu terombang-ambing, namun ia merasa senang juga mendengarkan dia. 6:21 Akhirnya tiba juga kesempatan yang baik bagi Herodias, ketika Herodes pada hari ulang tahunnya mengadakan perjamuan ^l  untuk pembesar-pembesarnya, perwira-perwiranya dan orang-orang terkemuka di Galilea. ^m  6:22 Pada waktu itu anak perempuan Herodias tampil lalu menari ² , dan ia menyukakan hati Herodes dan tamu-tamunya. Raja berkata kepada gadis itu: "Minta dari padaku apa saja yang kauingini, maka akan kuberikan kepadamu!", 6:23 lalu bersumpah kepadanya: "Apa saja yang kauminta akan kuberikan kepadamu, sekalipun setengah dari kerajaanku! ⁿ " 6:24 Anak itu pergi dan menanyakan ibunya: "Apa yang harus kuminta?" Jawabnya: "Kepala Yohanes Pembaptis!" 6:25 Maka cepat-cepat ia pergi kepada raja dan meminta: "Aku mau, supaya sekarang juga engkau berikan kepadaku kepala Yohanes Pembaptis di sebuah talam!" 6:26 Lalu sangat sedihlah hati raja, tetapi karena sumpahnya dan karena tamu-tamunya ia tidak mau menolaknya. 6:27 Raja segera menyuruh seorang pengawal dengan perintah supaya mengambil kepala Yohanes. Orang itu pergi dan memenggal kepala Yohanes di penjara. 6:28 Ia membawa kepala itu di sebuah talam dan memberikannya kepada gadis itu dan gadis itu memberikannya pula kepada ibunya. 6:29 Ketika murid-murid Yohanes mendengar hal itu mereka datang dan mengambil mayatnya, lalu membaringkannya dalam kuburan.   

Jesus, John the Baprist and Herod in my eyes.. part 1

Jesus, John the Baptist and Herod, according to me

Mark 6 : 14 - 29

I will just put the message after i write down what is in my mind.
Herod (Herod the Great), Herodes in Indonesian was well known as a wicked  King of Roman (74 BC) 
He killed all baby boy under 2 years old, because 'wise men from East' mentioned there will be a Great King Coming. Then all we know as Jesus the King of Kings
 
John the Baptist, known as a great prophet. He was known as Jesus relatives and he was the one who baptized Jesus in Jordan river. He was the most famous prophet at the bible and until now.

Jesus, all creature knows His name. The greatest human being in this world. Known as the Highest Majesty. King of Judah. The son of David. And The most lovable Son of God. His love, care and tender is irreplaceable until now.

Mark chapter 6 mentioned that Herods finally executed John by beheading him after Herodias' daughter (Salome) request.
Salome danced in from of Herod and pleased him, and askes a favor to Herod to give John the Baptist' head

and delivered on a tray.
 
What is hurting my heart. Herodias asked Herod to slauther John the Baptist just because John unagreed with their affair. It is so hurt to know John head's was slaughtered and delivered like a gift, it is like an ornament of Christmas tree everybody can see. I don't want to imagine herodias face while she saw the gift.

Kisah Sedih di warung gudeg Mbak Anik (part 2)

continue...

i wont continue the fighting story at warung gudeg as for me, it was a very silly drama.

saya cuma mau membahas sedikit mengenai ras satu ini yang bermukim di bumi ku di Indonesia.
Who am i? i am also a chinesse decent.

Tapi saya merasa saya keturunan china paling beda diantara lainnya, tanya deh teman2 saya di kantor lama kalau tidak percaya. Saya orang yg tidak pernah membedakan suku ras dan agama. Dan saya merasa bebas bergaul dengan siapa saja. Bahkan saya okay beibe dengan teman2 asli Indonesia saya. Kami menginap bersama, ketawa bersama, dll.

Yang saya heran adalah kelakuan keturunan china, terutama di kota Semarang.
Lihat deh mereka, mereka akan punya group sendiri, yang notabene keturunan china semua.
Apalagi yang merupakan penghuni kelas atas kota ini.
Yang cowok muda akan pakai mobil2 keren (sebagian milik ortunya) kemana2, bersama2 dengan cewek2 cantik yang mulus2 dengan hotpants mereka. Dan anehnya saat kami di cafe atau gym, mereka akan datang dengan membawa masing masing mobil. Positifnya mungkin rumah mereka berjauhan, sehingga tidak mungkin saling menjemput.

Dan saat di cafe, restauran atau gym, mereka tidak akan peduli dengan kondisi sekeliling, i mean, apakah ada pembeli atau pelanggan lain yang sudah mengantri duluan, atau apakah ada orang lain yang mungkin lebih harus dilayani dulu.

Kebiasaan lainnya, mereka akan bicara dengan logat mereka (bukan EYD) kepada petugas nya dengan seenak2nya. Contohnya mbak, ini diberesin mejanya.. Atau mbak, mana kecapnya?! dengan serentetan permintaan yg kurang sopan.
Tanpa ada tata krama untuk memasukkan kata2 tolong atau mohon atau whatever dan diakhiri dengan terima kasih. Terkadang mereka bahkan tidak bisa membedakan mana yang pelayan mana yang pelanggan. Sehingga mereka akan salah menyuruh orang. Dan bisa dipastikan tidak akan ada kata maaf.

sikap exclusivitas ini terkadang membuat saya malu sebagai keturunan, dan sikap arrogant ini membuat saya heran. Apakah orang tua mereka dulu tidak pernah mengajarkan tata krama dalam berbicara atau sopan santun dalam bersosialitas. I do not know.
Dilain sisi saya berusaha berfikir positif mungkin mereka2 ini berusaha membentengi diri dari pelecehan akan suatu ras atau penghinaan atas kaum minoritas yang sering dilakukan oleh orang2 pribumi lainnya.
Sehingga membuat mereka berusaha membuat diri mereka satu level diatas lainnya. Dan membuat diri mereka lebih tinggi derajatnya dari yang lain.

Saya tidak membenarkan tapi juga tidak bisa bicara kl memang itu alasannya.

Sebagai China keturunan yang dibesarkan dengan tata krama yg sopan, saya memilih untuk jadi high class (walau saya bukan the have) dan educated. Hidup akan lebih indah, karena saya yakin semua orang ingin dihargai oleh karena itu mulailah menghargai.

Kisah sedih di warung gudeg Mbak Anik (Part 1)

There is nothing to do with my fairy tale.
It is just a sarcastic feeling toward chinesse decent life at Semarang city. And sorry i should write in Indonesia to give more strength on the story.

Suatu malam, saya berencana makan di warung gudeg Mbak Anik langganan kami.
Setelah tiba disana, kondisi ramai seperti biasa..
Saya dan sinichi kudo harus menunggu untuk dapat tempat duduk. It doesn't matter for us.
Then kami duduk persis di depan si mbak yg jualan. Tapi kali ini bukan Mba Yani yg super cantik dan putih dan ramah yg melayani kami. Melainkan ibu ibu gemuk yang tidak sabaran, ketus, not friendly at all.

Sekian menit setelah kami dilayani dan makan, di belakang kami ada beberapa orang keturunan china yang cantik dan ganteng, perlente dan sepertinya tongkrongannya gagah.
Mereka juga menunggu salah satu meja kosong untuk mereka tempati.
Kemudian ada segerombolan orang orang keturunan china yang duduk di meja yg sdh ditinggal oleh tamu sebelumnya. Dan keliatan sekali kalau mereka keturunan china, keren, putih dan juga pasti tongkrongannya mobil mewah.

Sekian menit kemudian orang2 dimeja tersebut dilayani oleh si ibu2 gemuk yang kurang ramah, terlihat kecapaian, ketus itu.

Ternyata oh ternyata ibu2 ini salah melayani pelanggan sesuai antrian.

Dalam sepersekian detik, orang di belakang kami terlihat kurang suka dengan diserobotnya acara makan malam dia oleh sekelompok orang china lain.

Dan dalam sepersekian detik, orang yg nyerobot itupun tidak terima dengan "katanya" lirikan dan sindiran orang yg diserobot itu.
Adu mulutpun terjadi dengan hebohnya di warung gudeg Mbak Anik yg cukup kecil ini.
Yang dibelakang kami terus menerus berkata bahwa dia yang seharusnya di layani duluan, sedang yang sok Jakarta2 ini dengan logat menantang meyakinkan bahwa dia tidak tau menahu siapa antrian selanjutnya dan kami yang berada di tengah2 'pertandingan' ini cukup terkesima dengan adegan perkelahian ini.

Tanpa kami duga, di meja lain ternyata 2 geng dari masing2 kelompok mereka meneruskan adu mulut yang lebih heboh lagi. Bahkan meja warung yang tidak berdosa itupun kena sasaran, karena dihantam oleh salah satu preman china disana.
Tudingan dan umpatan terus berjalan sehingga membuat pelanggan lain yang mendengar merasa, time is out. Kami harus cepat pergi dari situ sebelum dua geng ini melanjutkan dan kami tidak tau apa yang akan terjadi selanjutnya.. Kami berfikir jangan2 nanti mereka bawa pistol atau golok untuk saling menembak atau membacok seperti film2 hongkong yang sering saya liat dulu.

Inilah kisah sedih di warung gudeg Mbak Anik di Jl. Depok Semarang.

Pelajaran saya malam itu, saya tidak akan mau mengantri di (terutama) warung gudeg ini dan atau
warung warung atau restauran restauran lain dlm kondisi ramai pelanggan. Apalagi kalau perut saya sedang kelaparang.

Bali, 31 December 2012 (dont read this, this is too naif, I am too shy to read indeed)

What a life...

Spending the last day on 2012 at Bali is such a bad idea but indeed so wonderful.
Bad idea as you will see the crowd everywhere, streets full of human being from all over the world.
Even need some effort to go everywhere against the people who has the same aim.

But who can resist Bali and all the splendor in it.
Bali still offer the beauty of the beaches even though it is not as clean as i wish.
The party every cafe held for End Year eve.

Though i came here with full of sad before because of silly and stupid mind we have.
I'll share in other post, as i dont want to make this post so dirty because of our stupidness.

Bali.. oh Bali, last year i promised to not coming back to this island again.. For me this island is so boring.
I am not the one who love beach.. I love dogs (as i saw many stray dogs everywhere hihihi) but i hate sea.
For me Bali and the people will always take your money if you go to the mall, if you take a taxi, as for me the taxi driver at Bali are the most arrogant people on earth.
If you want to pay more, okay come in, if you dont, go away and take a walk. WTF

Again i dont want litter this post, as after we see the bad situation, we borrow a motor cycle everywhere.

What makes this end year beautiful is not only Bali, Bali is only one part of it.
I spent the last day with the one who i wish to continue my fairy tale life with.

Holding hands at Legian beach, he never put off my hands the whole night, isn't it too sweet,watching fireworks (even i almost got burn by one of the fireworks, sigh). I am sure foreigner and local people envy to us.

He is the one, and i am the who who get a Happy New Year greetings. And under the Bali sky (jiaahh so naif) we promise to continue this journey, bad or good.

Thank you Bali for offering a beautiful night for us.

PS : i still wish to not coming back to Bali again (even my best friend as me to go back there cause she likes salak gula pasir :D)